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DEAR DR. JENN,
I am in my mid-30s, and I am so much hornier than I ever was in my 20s — I feel like I've reached my sexual peak. Is it all in my head? My husband can barely keep up with me. — Dirty 30s
DEAR DIRTY 30s,
You are not alone. Over and over again, in my private practice, I hear women in their 30s talk about how much better their sex life is than it was in their 20s. Many people consider the 30s to be women's sexual prime. Many women find they have a heightened sex drive, increased enjoyment of sex, and stronger and better orgasms.
There are many reasons why this happens. For one, in their 30s, both men and women experience a drop in testosterone levels. This decrease tends to happen more slowly in women than men, which means that a woman in her 30s with a male partner may often find that their desire levels meet in the middle. Sometimes, her libido may be stronger than his. There are plenty of other reasons why women's sexual prime happens in their 30s, too.
Ahead, a few reasons why the "dirty 30s" are a real thing.
1. You're not using sex to validate or manipulate.
Let's face it, many of us spend some time in our 20s using sex to validate our attractiveness or sexual prowess. Understanding the power of our sexuality is a process, a rocky one for most. In our 20s, there is more of a tendency to use sex to hook a partner in or to get that person to stick around. This keeps us focused on the sexual experience of our lover, as opposed to our own pleasure, which doesn't often lead to earth-shattering sex. This pressure to perform makes sex less enjoyable. By the time we hit our 30s, we may have less of a need to use sex for other things. We can own our sexuality and enjoy it more fully.
2. You are more likely to have one regular partner.
Statistically speaking, by the time you are in your 30s, you are likely to be in a significant relationship, engaged, or married. Even in an open relationship, you probably have certain partners that you sleep with regularly and trust. Having a regular partner means you get to know each other's bodies and how to get the job done. Your life experience has probably helped you hone your picking skills, and you have managed to find a partner you trust, which enhances the sexual experience. Also, you have probably come to terms with the natural ebb and flow of a long-term sex life, which reduces your anxiety about performing every time, too.
3. You know what you like and what you don't.
You are probably in a more sex-positive place in your life. Hopefully, the life experience that has gotten you to your 30s has helped make you less judgmental about sex and slut shaming (definitely of others but also yourself). The ability to let go of judging yourself and your preferences makes for a better sex life.
4. You know your body, and you're not afraid to touch it.
You don't have to put up with unsatisfying sex because you're familiar with your own body and know how to get the job done yourself — or to coach your partner if their techniques are not getting you there. Also, you have likely had enough sexual experience to realize that sex can be messy, and you are less squeamish about it. This also makes you less embarrassed about the weird noises, fluids, and funky positions that go along with no-holds-barred sex.
In Hump Day, award-winning psychotherapist and TV host Dr. Jenn Mann answers your sex and relationship questions — unjudged and unfiltered.
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